Parenting neurodivergent children is a journey of love, learning, and often, immense complexity. For many of us, every moment can feel like a collision of demands—big emotions sparked by endless to-dos like errands, cleaning, homework, and commitments to activities. These emotions are relentless and often contagious, creating a whirlwind that can feel overwhelming. Sound familiar?
Take a moment to think about your own list. What are the constant demands in your life? Now ask yourself: which of these demands typically grabs your attention first? When everything collides, which one wins out? Your answer is a window into the inner workings of your mind, body, and soul.
For me, the answer has always been “emotions and feelings.” Differentiating between the two is a nuanced topic, but however you define them, they were always my priority. I instinctively tended to my children’s emotions—when they were experiencing them, how they were experiencing them—and often felt there was little room to let those emotions simply pass. All emotions mattered, all the time. It was a very intense way to live, and I don’t recommend it. And yet, I completely understand if it feels inevitable for you, too.
Here’s why emotions took center stage for me: my system’s radar is powered by incredibly sensitive mirror neurons. These are the brain cells that make a baby mimic the funny faces you make at them, and for me, they go into overdrive. My radar picks up every emotion in the room, from verbal cues to subtle nonverbal signals. The challenge? I wasn’t naturally wired to differentiate between emotions I picked up from others and those initiated within me. It all felt the same. As a result, tending to emotions always won out, often at the expense of everything else. And, to be honest, not much else got done.
It was a reactive way to live, and while it was deeply rooted in love and care, it wasn’t sustainable. Over time, I realized something crucial: it doesn’t have to be this way.
A Key Realization: You Are More Than Thoughts, Feelings, and Emotions
One of the most transformative realizations I’ve had is this: I am not my thoughts, feelings, or emotions. I have thoughts, feelings, and emotions, but there is an “I” within me that can observe these experiences without being consumed by them. Developing this ability to observe—to build the strength of that inner “I”—has been life-changing. And for me, this growth happened in two key ways: through crisis and through mindfulness.
- Crisis: Learning to Take One Second at a Time
In the midst of a crisis, there’s no room for overthinking or getting lost in emotions. Every moment demands clarity: What does this situation need from me right now? I learned to process and sort through the chaos one second at a time. That meant letting go of outcomes and focusing solely on the present moment. What could I do in this second to optimize this moment?
This practice of micro-presence—of intentionally breaking down overwhelming situations into manageable seconds—was a survival skill at first. But over time, it became a tool for greater clarity and calm.
- Mindfulness: Building Awareness and Resilience
The second transformative practice was mindfulness, which began as a slow and sporadic journey. My first exposure to mindfulness was simply becoming conscious of my breathing. At first, it was an occasional practice, but over time, I’ve come to deeply appreciate the power of regularly and frequently practicing mindfulness.
Here’s the secret about mindfulness: failing is succeeding. The goal isn’t to have a perfectly focused mind. The goal is to notice when your mind inevitably wanders—to a thought, a feeling, or a memory—and gently guide it back to your chosen focus. This act of noticing is the very essence of mindfulness.
Through mindfulness, I’ve developed the ability to observe myself experiencing something. Instead of being consumed or defined by a wandering thought or overwhelming emotion, I can simply notice it and create space around it.
The Power of Pausing and Considering
For parents, this skill is invaluable. Mindfulness prepares us to watch ourselves being triggered and gives us the distance—in time and space—to pause and consider our next steps. It helps us respond to situations with intention rather than react out of habit or overwhelm.
But here’s the thing: developing the practice of mindfulness and intentional responding is hard to do in isolation. It’s so much easier and more rewarding to have collaborators. Whether it’s a coach, a support group, or a trusted friend, having someone by your side to navigate this journey makes a world of difference.
Collaboration: A Game-Changer for Parents
Collaborating with others—both literally and in spirit—helps you balance and even prevent the inevitable collisions of competing demands. With the right collaborators, you’ll have the clarity and confidence to discern what truly matters in each moment.
This clarity is not just for your benefit; it’s for your children, too. When you’re clear and grounded, you model healthy ways to navigate life’s challenges. You create an environment where your children—and you—can flourish in mind, body, and spirit.
Practical Steps for Moving Forward
So, where do you start? Here are a few steps you can take today:
- Take Inventory of Your Priorities: Reflect on which demands typically win your attention and why. Use this insight to identify patterns and areas for growth.
- Practice Micro-Presence: When you feel overwhelmed, break down the moment into manageable seconds. Focus on what you can do right now to optimize the situation.
- Explore Mindfulness: Begin with simple practices like conscious breathing or guided meditations. Remember, the goal is to notice when your mind wanders and gently bring it back.
- Find Your Collaborators: Seek out a coach, join a supportive community, or connect with other parents who understand your journey. Collaboration can provide invaluable insights and encouragement.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate every step forward, no matter how small. Progress is built one moment at a time.
A Final Word
Parenting neurodivergent children is a deeply rewarding journey, but it’s also one that requires intention, self-awareness, and support. By learning to observe rather than react, practicing mindfulness, and collaborating with others, you can create a more peaceful and confident environment—both within yourself and in your home.
Here’s to your journey of growth and connection. You’ve got this, and you’re not alone.
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About Sheryl Stoller
Sheryl Stoller is a Family Wellbeing Coach specializing in supporting parents of neurodiverse children. As a neurodivergent, highly sensitive parent of three multi-exceptional young adults, Sheryl brings a deeply personal and professional understanding to her work. Her mission is to help parents create supportive environments—both within themselves and externally—that foster peace of mind, confidence, and resilience. Learn more at https://www.stollerparentcoaching.org/.